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According to statistics from the Executive Yuan, there are over 13,000 convenience stores in Taiwan, meaning you can easily pay bills, buy rice balls, or drink a cup of exquisite coffee just a few steps away. However, compared to convenience stores, the number of temples is as high as 15,000. Compared to Taiwan’s extremely high population density, perhaps the density of deities is the truly incredibly high figure.
During the recent Lunar New Year, an old friend “Ah Hui,” whom I hadn’t seen for over twenty years, heard about my love for strange anecdotes and specifically asked to meet up. Upon seeing the address, I already felt it was remote, and after entering it into Google Maps, it turned out to be unimaginably far. I got off the high-speed rail, found a taxi, and after bargaining, booked the driver for the whole day; otherwise, I really wouldn’t know how to get back.
The car went from the expressway to the county road, sometimes passing through industrial roads, sometimes through small paths on field ridges. I asked the driver if this was the right way, but unexpectedly, the driver looked at me with suspicion because he was also baffled. Just as we were staring at each other, I saw a small temple ahead from the back seat, and then suddenly a crowd of fashionably dressed men and women surged out, resolving the driver’s and my doubts.
However, upon closer inspection, whether male or female, it seemed their appearance and conditions weren’t exactly premium.
The car stopped. The driver didn’t light a cigarette as I expected; even he, who had seen much of the world, couldn’t help but be curious about what kind of medicine this temple in the middle of nowhere was selling.
I looked at the bustling crowd and thought I should call my friend. Seeing that my phone signal thankfully still had two bars, I hurriedly made the call. The voice on the other end was noisy, but I could feel we were in the same space. My friend said he would come out to pick me up immediately.
Emerging from the crowd of believers was a middle-aged man who looked ten years older than me visually, but was actually about my age. The dark-skinned Ah Hui wore a suit jacket, but was naked underneath, with a dozen cigarette scars on his chest and beer belly; Diesel jeans, trendy Adidas sneakers. Buzz cut. But what left the deepest impression was his clean, flawless, and radiant perfect white teeth.
“Just like I said on the phone, I not only run a temple, but I’m also a spirit medium,” Ah Hui said proudly.
“If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I really couldn’t imagine the incense would be flourishing so much in this remote temple…” I responded half-jokingly.
“You know, people, don’t they just ask for a marriage destiny? For young men and women, for the sake of love, even if a Matchmaking God temple opened inside a nuclear power plant, I think business would definitely be booming.” Ah Hui said triumphantly.
“You wouldn’t be asking me to come all the way from Taipei just to see your Matchmaking God temple, would you? I’ve been to Xia-Hai City God Temple and Longshan Temple’s Matchmaking God many times. The Matchmaking Gods at these two places are also renowned far and wide. What’s so special about yours? Don’t tell me he’ll possess you and instruct women on how to make love to capture men? I see your temple is quite young too, how could it suddenly become a viral attraction?”
Hearing this, Ah Hui pulled me aside and signaled with his eyes for the temple staff to attend to the believers.
“That’s right, the Matchmaking God possesses me, but not to talk to the believers. I was originally a spirit medium at a certain temple in the south, it just happened that there was also a Matchmaking God inside, and a widely famous one at that. One day, I welcomed the
Third Princeas usual. When the Third Prince left, I thought it would be business as usual, but unexpectedly, the Matchmaking God suddenly possessed me. I couldn’t move at all, I only heard the Matchmaking God tell me, ‘Move me away.’ After the possession ended, the temple authorities threw the divination blocks a few times before deciding to move here.”
“Pfft, that story is as absurd as it gets.”
“It’s true, I’m not lying to you. Ever since we moved to this remote place, when it gets late and quiet, the Matchmaking God possesses me to complain.”
“The Matchmaking God complaining, huh… Alright, I know the job isn’t easy. He must be complaining about people with shockingly poor conditions demanding some muscular hunk or busty long-legged beauty, right?” I responded to Ah Hui with a face that said I knew it all along.
“Please, give me a break. Every Matchmaking God has to face this kind of situation, they’re used to it, nothing to complain about. There are so many Matchmaking Gods in the world, do you know how they tie the red strings of marriage?”
“How else? By looking at conditions, of course.”
“Wrong. The vast majority of Matchmaking Gods do absolutely nothing. In terms of their job description, even if they find someone who perfectly matches the criteria in a person’s mind, the probability of the two becoming a couple is still very low. People, you see, encounter even the slightest trait they dislike, and it gets categorized as a bad match.” Ah Hui wagged his right index finger.
“So?”
“My Matchmaking God is the different one; he actually gets things done. So he creates bad matches for those men and women with excellent conditions. The matching success rate is probably comparable to drawing an SSR in a mobile game.” Ah Hui said helplessly.
" Then what does this have to do with this wise Matchmaking God deciding to move?" I spoke with acidity, unable to hide my sarcasm.
“Perhaps because my Matchmaking God has actually done things, his understanding of the matchmaking business is far more thorough than other ordinary Matchmaking Gods. He discovered a situation where, even if the two sides don’t successfully pair up, they still won’t consider it a ‘bad match.’ That is when encountering a partner with better conditions than oneself. Even if they are truly unsuitable, or the other party really has some unacceptable shortcomings, we still won’t consider it a bad match. However, for those with good conditions, it might be a super bad match.” Ah Hui silently lit a cigarette, telling me with incredibly penetrating eyes.
I looked towards the nearby believers with generally poor conditions, thinking thoughtfully, as if I had some clue in my heart.
“The most magical thing is, when people pray to the Matchmaking God and then really encounter a good match, even if they don’t successfully pair up in the end, they will firmly believe the Matchmaking God temple is effective. And just like the real estate market, those with good conditions disappear from the market instantly, leaving only a large number of ‘crooked melons and cracked dates’ (poor quality choices). But the amount of incense money these poor quality choices are willing to invest is not small.”
“So your Matchmaking God decided to arrange partners with good conditions for a large number of believers with poor conditions. As for the source of good partners, it must be the believers known from before in the city area. Anyway, it’s impossible for the two sides to be together. The other party definitely thinks it’s a ‘bad match,’ but the believers coming to this temple feel it’s incredibly effective. First, this group of believers has extremely high loyalty. Second, they fall into a cycle where they can never successfully pair up. It can be called a perpetual motion machine for incense money.” I expressed with a mix of amusement and annoyance.
“Bingo!! Worthy of being the Master of Suan Zhai, you really get it instantly!!” Ah Hui revealed those reflective teeth, and I seemed to see my own awkward state in that mirror surface.
“But, is such a Matchmaking God really good? Is such a Matchmaking God still a Matchmaking God?” I couldn’t hold back my inner doubt.
“Hey hey hey, get it clear. My Matchmaking God is the one who actually does real work, okay? Only my Matchmaking God will work hard to connect believers. You don’t look at other Matchmaking Gods who don’t do anything. I tell you, it’s also because of this that the Matchmaking God decided to move out of the city, because he found other colleagues were slacking off and not doing anything. So he decided to set up his own portal.” Ah Hui said.
“So it wasn’t because he wanted to monopolize the incense money?” I responded coldly.
“That was just a secondary goal.” Ah Hui waved his hand.
I looked at the Matchmaking God temple flourishing with incense, and the large number of “crooked melons and cracked dates” believers, falling into deep thought.
“Hey hey right, do you want to get to know our Matchmaking God? He can also arrange a marriage destiny for you, there are still many partners with good conditions, you know?” Ah Hui asked eagerly.
“No thanks, I’ve been in a stable relationship for many years and am very satisfied with my current life.”
“Mm, alright then,” Ah Hui said with slight disappointment.
“It’s getting late, I still have to catch the high-speed rail home.” I raised my hand to wave at the driver in the distance.
Worthy of a professional driver, he could turn around smoothly even on the narrow road.
I got in the car, rolled down the window, ready to say goodbye to Ah Hui.
“By the way, are you saying there isn’t a single successful match here?”
“Of course there is. Those two staff members over there matched successfully because of my Matchmaking God.”
“But they don’t look like ‘crooked melons and cracked dates’ terrible partners at all?”
“They both originally demanded that kind of heavenly dish (perfect) partner. Until one day they recognized their own limited conditions and adjusted their requests to the Matchmaking God. The Matchmaking God told me their conditions were suitable, a match made in heaven. Although they have only been dating for three months, the Matchmaking God said this is a marriage destiny that can last a lifetime, rare in the human world.” Ah Hui smiled.
“You still haven’t answered my question about the ‘crooked melons and cracked dates’?” I hurriedly pursued.
“Master Zhai, oh Master Zhai, why can’t you think through such a simple thing. Their original conditions or image looked worse than everyone here, but when they recognized their own limitations and simultaneously found their beloved, their aura and temperament underwent a transformation, making them completely unlike their past selves. Alright, go catch the high-speed rail, see you next time.” Ah Hui once again revealed his perfect, flawless teeth.
The driver drove forward, the return trip was faster than imagined.
I sat in the window seat of car number three, just thinking about taking a rest, when suddenly a busty, long-legged beauty sat down next to me.
“Hmph, what a stinky Matchmaking God, what does he take me for.”
I closed my eyes disdainfully, wanting to pretend the beauty next to me didn’t exist.
However, this doesn’t seem too bad.
I unproductively opened my eyes slightly.
The Chronicles of Suan Zhai: The Matchmaking God - End